Mirrors

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Sometimes I look into the mirror and just stare. I look into my eyes, I look past my eyes, until I see more than the reflection staring back. Sometimes I don't recognize myself; I wonder where I am behind those brown eyes. Often times I really see myself; I see my beauty, my ugliness, my fears and my strengths. When I see myself, everything seems calmer, clearer. Those are the times I know who I am, I feel independent, I feel comfortable in my own skin. 

Often times I look at myself and I wonder why so much pain is hidden behind this face, and how I hide it so well. I am a great actor because I can always appear to be happy and positive. I cover up my anxieties and just live. I bury things so deep, that even I forget they are there. Then something will happen and all the pain comes rushing to the surface. 

I am starting to see my flaws more, the things I want to work on, but I wonder can these things that ail me be cured? Will I ever feel at peace with the things that I feel are out of my control? Is being aware of the things that I want to fix progress?

I believe so. It is the first step, realizing you have a problem. I have been soul searching, and I realized I am very codependent; I put the needs of other's before my own and I try to fix people. It isn't healthy, and although I mean well, I know it really impacts my relationships negatively. 

I pick people that I think need to be fixed; I always pick the same people, whether in friendship or relationships. 

I think I need to be fixed first. There are things that at this moment I feel are out of my control, and so right now I am fixing things that I believe are in my control, and that is my relationship with myself. 

You are born in this world alone, you die alone... so it is pretty important that you learn how to be comfortable alone. At least it is important to me. 

I have realized this previously, as you have read in my blogs, but I haven't been following my own advice, which is ironic and stupid. I have been so worried about fixing relationships, friendships, that I neglected to concentrate on what is bothering me. 

So lately I have been taking a step back and really concentrating on what makes me happy, what I like to do, and surrounding myself with people that make me feel like I am a good person... no, people that bring out the best in me. 

I think I have a lot of things to work on, but I have a lot of love, a lot of good in me... so I want to good to outweigh the bad. 

I know it wont be easy, my codependency is like a drug, and I have to treat it like that. It is going to take time, but I need to first withdraw myself from the temptations. I have to trust my instinct and not let other's sway my choices. There could be relapses, I realize this, but if I take it one day at a time, I will be okay in the end. I have all the tools and the answers, I just need to listen to myself. 

I dare you to look at yourself in the mirror, and really see yourself and question who you are, where you are and what decisions you are making. Just stare, you may find what you are looking for, or you might be afraid of what you see.